What is it about date four?

I've been doing online dating off and on for years. In that time, I've noticed a pattern emerge. Date four seems to carry some sort of significance I wasn't aware of. I've had lots of first dates and some second dates, but I start to get nervous after a successful third date. After date three, there is a sort of turning point. If my potential partner and I can make it to date four, it lasts for a minimum of a couple months. I wondered if other people noticed this pattern, so I Googled "What is the significance of four dates?" Apparently it is really a thing. By date four, you already know you like each other and you're trying to decide if you can see a future together, not necessarily marriage, but if you could "see yourself" with this person. Whether everyone else has read the "rule book" except me, it seems there is something to four dates.

Be authentic in your journey.

Attachment Styles

People have been talking about love languages for years, but a lesser known topic that is equally important is attachment styles. 

There are four main attachment styles: 1) Secure 2) Anxious 3) Avoidant 4) Disorganized (anxious-avoidant). Click on the picture below for a summary of each attachment style.

I hadn't heard of attachment styles until after my now ex-husband and I split up after 15 years and I entered the dating world for the first time. It was a real eye-opener. Since being single, I have read the book Attached three times. It's a great book and it has really helped me identify where I am and where I want to be in relation to my attachment style. I've learned to identify and avoid those with avoidant attachment particularly disorganized (anxious-avoidant). It's also helped me to be open about healthy boundaries and expectations of potential partners. 

I also found this graphic that helps to explain the four attachment styles relative to avoidance and anxiety. 

Know that wherever you are on this matrix, isn't where you have to stay. By paying attention to patterns, reflecting on your triggers, and setting healthy boundaries, you can learn to be a more secure you.

Be authentic in your journey.

Being Authentic Has A Cost

Last night I had a beautiful evening with friends- relaxation, contentment, and happiness. After meeting up with friends and leaving a bar in a depressed part of Portland, I walked down a street lined with tents and garbage strewn everywhere. On the stoop, in front of a shop, I saw two pieces of bologna on a piece of plastic wrap. I'm not quite sure what it was about that which began the spiral down of this lovely evening I had just had, but I lost it. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I had made dinner for a friend earlier that evening, and while it didn't turn out the way I had expected, it was edible and crafted with quality ingredients. When I served it, all I could think about was how embarrassed I was that it looked so bad. Seeing that bologna really helped to put things into perspective. I have a warm home and food to eat. I have friends and people in my life who I love. I am blessed. 

Upon returning to my friend's apartment after this downturn of events, he helped me through a guided meditation of sorts to try to get to the root of my feelings. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? During this meditation I had very few thoughts and feelings. I cried, but I didn't know why. I cried more than I've cried in ages. This morning, I reflected on the evening. I revealed things I wondered if I should have kept to myself. In the end, it changed our relationship. 

Being completely open and vulnerable has always been easy for me, but it does have a cost. Some people are not able to accept you when they get to see the darkness inside of you. They may judge you or feel that they've finally seen you for who you really are, and they don't like what they see anymore. They may reject you because of their focus on your darkness rather than the light you bring to the world. That's okay. People come into our lives for a day, a season, or years for two reasons. They are either here to teach you or to learn from you. Sometimes it's both. Being authentic has always been important to me. I like being vulnerable with people. I'm not going to wear a metaphorical mask to hide who I am. Love me or leave me has always been my motto. Sometimes people choose to leave because they can't handle the price of admission. I need to be okay with that. I will continue to be me because I don't want to pretend to be anyone else so that I can fit in. Once I start doing that, people won't love ME. They will only love who I pretend to be. Being with people who don't REALLY love you is much emptier than being alone.

Be authentic in your journey.

 

The Price of Admission

Have you ever sat down and actually made a list of your wants and needs in a partner? If you haven't, I suggest you do. Take those metaphorical boxes and put them on paper. Read the list often and use it as a lens to examine your relationships. Making an actual list allows you the time and space needed to reflect honestly about the positive attributes you've experienced in other relationships and would like to experience again, or on the flip side, it could also include qualities you desire but haven't found a partner who was able to meet that need. Know the difference between needs and desires. Typically, needs are the "must haves" and desires are the "would be nice to haves."

I created my list about a year ago. A lot of time and emotional energy went into creating my list. I reflected on every relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly, to pull out the qualities my partners had that made me feel loved. Even toxic relationships have positive moments to reflect on. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light when there was so much darkness, but if your intention is to find the good, you'll find something. I have that list on my computer and I read it from time to time. My reason for keeping it on my computer is it's a work in progress. It's a draft and can be revised at any time. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself of this. 

Years ago, a friend shared this YouTube video with me. The Price of Admission I haven't watched it in a while, but it floated into my thoughts today, so I watched it again. He talks about his own relationship and how his partner was nothing he thought he wanted, but he fell in love with him anyway. The price of admission is essentially asking you, "What are you willing to put up with so that you can have this person you love?" Two of my great loves would not have stood up to my list of needs and desires. I'm glad that back when I met them, I didn't have that list. I would have missed out on some really beautiful and vulnerable moments with these men if I had immediately discounted them because I thought they wouldn't meet all my needs. Now, looking at my list, I see areas they met and other areas they didn't. Those unmet areas were the price of admission.

I've recently been trying to focus on my list and wondering if my list is keeping me from finding the love I want. What am I willing to accept as the price of admission in my relationships? Typically, when I meet someone new, I am on high alert looking for flags. I run this new person through my system of relationship filters and can quickly decide whether I'm interested in a second date. I know no one is perfect and I am not looking for that. The pressure to be with someone who I perceive as perfect would be too great for me anyway. In the end, I've decided to use the list as a guide. I need to be open to love even if someone doesn't tick all of my metaphorical boxes. If love comes and smacks me in the face, I will gladly pay the price of admission.

Be authentic in your journey.

The Problem with Hope

Dating apps have become the bane of my existence. That being said, if they truly are as miserable as I say, why do I invest time for what feels like endless swiping and back-and-forth messaging that eventually dies into nothingness before even meeting? Hope. 

About a year ago, I met a man I could see myself with... REALLY see myself with. I could see how easily he could slip into my life and into my heart. My heart was filled with hope for the possibility that my search was over. After a couple months it just ended. I was caught completely off guard. It wasn't until recently that I learned why, but that was more about his demons than mine, so it's not my story to tell.

Fast forward to today. I've met a little over a dozen people in the last year and a half. That may not sound like many, but dating during a pandemic is tricky. I prefer to have a video chat shortly after connecting online. That's actually been one of my favorite things about the pandemic... Can I say that? I mean, let's be real. This blog is in fact all about living an authentic life. If you've done online dating for any period of time, you know what it's like to be catfished. There was the guy who used a wheelchair but he never mentioned it in his profile and there has been the typical lying about age or pictures from 50 lbs. ago. 

In the beginning, I went into dates feeling hopeful. Maybe I would meet someone interesting or we'd have a good time. Maybe there would be a spark. Hope. They say expectation is the killer of all joy, but I don't know. It could be hope. It's not like I went into these dates expecting to find love, but I did hope to find it. After hoping for so long, I've kind of accepted the fact that I may still be single in my 70s. 

Are there kind, loving, and intelligent men out there? I'm sure there are. Somewhere out there a man is asking the same question, a gay man. Seriously though. Somewhere out there a man is wondering if there is a woman who also shares those qualities. Here I am. Come find me because I'm about to give up on finding you. Online dating is like going to the gym. Nobody WANTS to do it, but you have to put in the work. Reading all of the self-help books to better myself for my next partner does nothing unless I find him and that takes effort. 

The problem with hope is, I think for most people, you have a finite amount. When your hope has been tapped into so many times, eventually your stores have been depleted. One of the fastest ways to lose hope is hookups. Just say no. Don't do it. I don't care what Nike says. Just tonight, I received a text from someone I had two dates with months ago asking if I wanted to get together to make out. Seriously? He must have been digging at the bottom of the barrel to think I would say yes after only two dates and months passing without so much as a friendly text. Is that how women are seen? Are we merely entertainment centers for the gratification of men? A couple nights ago, I got a text from someone I recently met asking for a sexual favor. My response was, "What do I get out of it?" His reply was "A massage?" Wow. That's another hope killer right there. I can buy my own massages, but thanks for the offer. What I seek can not be bought. 

While my hope in finding a life partner diminishes with every douchey message that is the reality of online dating, there is something about hope that is addictive. It's like a drug. As hard as I try to give it up, it's still there. I want to love and be loved. I want to be seen as something more than a "good time." After reading a profile that really speaks to me, sometimes I still hold my breath as I swipe right. Why? Hope. I'm hoping for "It's a match!" Someone told me recently that you should stop looking for the right person and BE the right person. You know what? I've been the right person all along. I'm just losing hope in the fact that there is a right person out there for me.

Be authentic in your journey.

Life Under Construction

Under construction, such is my life and the name of this blog post. Isn’t that the case for all of us though? Our lives are always under construction. We build our lives on the foundation of our past, but there may be years of remodeling until we are happy with the home we’ve created inside of us. They say home is where the heart is, and I have to agree. I move in the direction of my heart, but my heart and my brain are definitely connected. My heart takes a step in one direction and my brain, working much like Waze, evaluates the path and may offer a suggestion for a more efficient route. Sometimes I take the suggested route and sometimes I ignore it. And sometimes after ignoring it, I may kick myself for not doing as I was told. Such is life.

Life is a series of lessons and, I can say this with the utmost certainty since I AM a teacher and an expert on the topic, we learn more from our failures than our successes. Sometimes life throws us a curveball and we end up doing a little remodeling of our house. We may even try to improve the aesthetics of our home by tearing down a wall only to rebuild a wall that looks just like it in exactly the same place. It may take a few times of making the same mistake before we realize we haven’t changed anything. We are doing the work, but still end up in exactly the same spot.

Sometimes the work we have to do is obvious and other times it isn’t. When we look in the mirror, there are obvious things, cosmetic things, like maybe we could go to the gym more or get a haircut. It’s looking inside and recognizing the changes that can be made there that is the real challenge. When I look inside myself, there is so much that brings me joy. I have the capacity to love greatly. I’m kind and have empathy. I’m a people pleaser and am generally pleased with people. I’m not controlling or greedy. I’m a good friend and get along with all my exes, even the ones I probably shouldn’t. In fact, I recently had a Christmas party and about half of the guests were men I had dated. It actually wasn’t awkward at all. In short, I’ve got a good heart and want to share it.

I hear people say that you need to know yourself. Well, I’m a Gemini. Getting to know myself is like getting to know two roommates who often disagree about how the home should be run. One of my twins is shy and has anxiety in social situations. She hopes to blend in almost invisibly in a crowd and prefers not to draw attention to herself. The other is quite the opposite. She is the extroverted social butterfly. She generally surfaces when there is a need for someone to be the ringleader. If those around her are quiet, or don’t appear to be having fun, she will generally make an appearance, especially if drinks are involved. Getting to know who I am and what makes me, well… me, is not an easy task.

Dating apps have been a bit of a necessary evil. Believe it or not, I never imagined I’d be single in my mid 40s. The problem with dating apps is everyone is trying to make a good impression. That in and of itself isn’t terrible, but we can unintentionally end up duping someone into meeting up. I wish I had a $1 for every date I had where the guy didn’t look like his photo, misrepresented his marital status (Oh yea, that happened!), lied about his age, or posted a profile he thought women would find interesting rather than being completely honest about who he really was. I’m a big fan of not wasting anyone’s time. I’ve had a couple video dates first thing in the morning before I’ve even brushed my teeth or had my morning coffee. Let’s all just be authentic. That being said, I am guilty of taking 20 selfies from different angles in different clothes until I eventually land on one that is most flattering.

You may be wondering, other than using metaphors that may not resonate with the reader or complaining about the disappointment associated with online dating, what is the purpose of this blog? I’m trying to remodel my metaphorical house. I’m reading and reflecting about love and relationships and really trying to get to know myself. How am I feeling? What am I grateful for? What makes me tick? Why would you want to read about me and my life? Great question! I’m so glad you asked! I don’t know. Maybe something here will stand out to you. You may discover you wonder about the same things and you aren’t alone in your struggle. Life is hard and we need to be willing to do it together! Possibly none of my ramblings will speak to you and you walk away from this blog feeling better about yourself because you feel like your life is pretty well put together. Hey, I’d be happy about that too! You could also look at this as an opportunity to essentially read someone’s journal. You know you’ve done it, or at least thought about doing it in the past. Imagine opening up the top drawer of my dresser, and right there next to my unmentionables, you see a beautifully bound journal containing my most private and intimate thoughts. Wouldn’t you want to read that? Just a peek? No, probably not. You’re too busy looking at my undies, aren’t you?

Be authentic in your journey.