Being Authentic Has A Cost

Last night I had a beautiful evening with friends- relaxation, contentment, and happiness. After meeting up with friends and leaving a bar in a depressed part of Portland, I walked down a street lined with tents and garbage strewn everywhere. On the stoop, in front of a shop, I saw two pieces of bologna on a piece of plastic wrap. I'm not quite sure what it was about that which began the spiral down of this lovely evening I had just had, but I lost it. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I had made dinner for a friend earlier that evening, and while it didn't turn out the way I had expected, it was edible and crafted with quality ingredients. When I served it, all I could think about was how embarrassed I was that it looked so bad. Seeing that bologna really helped to put things into perspective. I have a warm home and food to eat. I have friends and people in my life who I love. I am blessed. 

Upon returning to my friend's apartment after this downturn of events, he helped me through a guided meditation of sorts to try to get to the root of my feelings. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? During this meditation I had very few thoughts and feelings. I cried, but I didn't know why. I cried more than I've cried in ages. This morning, I reflected on the evening. I revealed things I wondered if I should have kept to myself. In the end, it changed our relationship. 

Being completely open and vulnerable has always been easy for me, but it does have a cost. Some people are not able to accept you when they get to see the darkness inside of you. They may judge you or feel that they've finally seen you for who you really are, and they don't like what they see anymore. They may reject you because of their focus on your darkness rather than the light you bring to the world. That's okay. People come into our lives for a day, a season, or years for two reasons. They are either here to teach you or to learn from you. Sometimes it's both. Being authentic has always been important to me. I like being vulnerable with people. I'm not going to wear a metaphorical mask to hide who I am. Love me or leave me has always been my motto. Sometimes people choose to leave because they can't handle the price of admission. I need to be okay with that. I will continue to be me because I don't want to pretend to be anyone else so that I can fit in. Once I start doing that, people won't love ME. They will only love who I pretend to be. Being with people who don't REALLY love you is much emptier than being alone.

Be authentic in your journey.