About a year ago, I met a man I could see myself with... REALLY see myself with. I could see how easily he could slip into my life and into my heart. My heart was filled with hope for the possibility that my search was over. After a couple months it just ended. I was caught completely off guard. It wasn't until recently that I learned why, but that was more about his demons than mine, so it's not my story to tell.
Fast forward to today. I've met a little over a dozen people in the last year and a half. That may not sound like many, but dating during a pandemic is tricky. I prefer to have a video chat shortly after connecting online. That's actually been one of my favorite things about the pandemic... Can I say that? I mean, let's be real. This blog is in fact all about living an authentic life. If you've done online dating for any period of time, you know what it's like to be catfished. There was the guy who used a wheelchair but he never mentioned it in his profile and there has been the typical lying about age or pictures from 50 lbs. ago.
In the beginning, I went into dates feeling hopeful. Maybe I would meet someone interesting or we'd have a good time. Maybe there would be a spark. Hope. They say expectation is the killer of all joy, but I don't know. It could be hope. It's not like I went into these dates expecting to find love, but I did hope to find it. After hoping for so long, I've kind of accepted the fact that I may still be single in my 70s.
Are there kind, loving, and intelligent men out there? I'm sure there are. Somewhere out there a man is asking the same question, a gay man. Seriously though. Somewhere out there a man is wondering if there is a woman who also shares those qualities. Here I am. Come find me because I'm about to give up on finding you. Online dating is like going to the gym. Nobody WANTS to do it, but you have to put in the work. Reading all of the self-help books to better myself for my next partner does nothing unless I find him and that takes effort.
The problem with hope is, I think for most people, you have a finite amount. When your hope has been tapped into so many times, eventually your stores have been depleted. One of the fastest ways to lose hope is hookups. Just say no. Don't do it. I don't care what Nike says. Just tonight, I received a text from someone I had two dates with months ago asking if I wanted to get together to make out. Seriously? He must have been digging at the bottom of the barrel to think I would say yes after only two dates and months passing without so much as a friendly text. Is that how women are seen? Are we merely entertainment centers for the gratification of men? A couple nights ago, I got a text from someone I recently met asking for a sexual favor. My response was, "What do I get out of it?" His reply was "A massage?" Wow. That's another hope killer right there. I can buy my own massages, but thanks for the offer. What I seek can not be bought.
While my hope in finding a life partner diminishes with every douchey message that is the reality of online dating, there is something about hope that is addictive. It's like a drug. As hard as I try to give it up, it's still there. I want to love and be loved. I want to be seen as something more than a "good time." After reading a profile that really speaks to me, sometimes I still hold my breath as I swipe right. Why? Hope. I'm hoping for "It's a match!" Someone told me recently that you should stop looking for the right person and BE the right person. You know what? I've been the right person all along. I'm just losing hope in the fact that there is a right person out there for me.
Be authentic in your journey.
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