Life Under Construction

Under construction, such is my life and the name of this blog post. Isn’t that the case for all of us though? Our lives are always under construction. We build our lives on the foundation of our past, but there may be years of remodeling until we are happy with the home we’ve created inside of us. They say home is where the heart is, and I have to agree. I move in the direction of my heart, but my heart and my brain are definitely connected. My heart takes a step in one direction and my brain, working much like Waze, evaluates the path and may offer a suggestion for a more efficient route. Sometimes I take the suggested route and sometimes I ignore it. And sometimes after ignoring it, I may kick myself for not doing as I was told. Such is life.

Life is a series of lessons and, I can say this with the utmost certainty since I AM a teacher and an expert on the topic, we learn more from our failures than our successes. Sometimes life throws us a curveball and we end up doing a little remodeling of our house. We may even try to improve the aesthetics of our home by tearing down a wall only to rebuild a wall that looks just like it in exactly the same place. It may take a few times of making the same mistake before we realize we haven’t changed anything. We are doing the work, but still end up in exactly the same spot.

Sometimes the work we have to do is obvious and other times it isn’t. When we look in the mirror, there are obvious things, cosmetic things, like maybe we could go to the gym more or get a haircut. It’s looking inside and recognizing the changes that can be made there that is the real challenge. When I look inside myself, there is so much that brings me joy. I have the capacity to love greatly. I’m kind and have empathy. I’m a people pleaser and am generally pleased with people. I’m not controlling or greedy. I’m a good friend and get along with all my exes, even the ones I probably shouldn’t. In fact, I recently had a Christmas party and about half of the guests were men I had dated. It actually wasn’t awkward at all. In short, I’ve got a good heart and want to share it.

I hear people say that you need to know yourself. Well, I’m a Gemini. Getting to know myself is like getting to know two roommates who often disagree about how the home should be run. One of my twins is shy and has anxiety in social situations. She hopes to blend in almost invisibly in a crowd and prefers not to draw attention to herself. The other is quite the opposite. She is the extroverted social butterfly. She generally surfaces when there is a need for someone to be the ringleader. If those around her are quiet, or don’t appear to be having fun, she will generally make an appearance, especially if drinks are involved. Getting to know who I am and what makes me, well… me, is not an easy task.

Dating apps have been a bit of a necessary evil. Believe it or not, I never imagined I’d be single in my mid 40s. The problem with dating apps is everyone is trying to make a good impression. That in and of itself isn’t terrible, but we can unintentionally end up duping someone into meeting up. I wish I had a $1 for every date I had where the guy didn’t look like his photo, misrepresented his marital status (Oh yea, that happened!), lied about his age, or posted a profile he thought women would find interesting rather than being completely honest about who he really was. I’m a big fan of not wasting anyone’s time. I’ve had a couple video dates first thing in the morning before I’ve even brushed my teeth or had my morning coffee. Let’s all just be authentic. That being said, I am guilty of taking 20 selfies from different angles in different clothes until I eventually land on one that is most flattering.

You may be wondering, other than using metaphors that may not resonate with the reader or complaining about the disappointment associated with online dating, what is the purpose of this blog? I’m trying to remodel my metaphorical house. I’m reading and reflecting about love and relationships and really trying to get to know myself. How am I feeling? What am I grateful for? What makes me tick? Why would you want to read about me and my life? Great question! I’m so glad you asked! I don’t know. Maybe something here will stand out to you. You may discover you wonder about the same things and you aren’t alone in your struggle. Life is hard and we need to be willing to do it together! Possibly none of my ramblings will speak to you and you walk away from this blog feeling better about yourself because you feel like your life is pretty well put together. Hey, I’d be happy about that too! You could also look at this as an opportunity to essentially read someone’s journal. You know you’ve done it, or at least thought about doing it in the past. Imagine opening up the top drawer of my dresser, and right there next to my unmentionables, you see a beautifully bound journal containing my most private and intimate thoughts. Wouldn’t you want to read that? Just a peek? No, probably not. You’re too busy looking at my undies, aren’t you?

Be authentic in your journey.