Swiping Isn't Doing it for Me.

Okay, I'll admit it. I am a recovering swiping addict. There was a time when I would swipe several times a day. I'd later swear off swiping to all of my friends and make them promise to check in with me to make sure I hadn't reinstalled the apps. While I love my friends, they were terrible for holding me accountable. Thankfully, I don't have any serious addictions that would require an intervention. 

In an earlier post, I challenged the idea that expectation is not the killer of all joy and that it is in fact hope. Months later, I still pretty much stand by that, at least as far as dating is concerned. I’ve lost steam after endless swiping and minimal results. I had met a couple guys who were initially kind and showed potential, but then I quickly discovered I was more of a place holder. That stung and I pretty much abandoned the idea of dating back in March. It hasn't been all bad though. I've developed this new sense of myself I don't think I had. For the most part, this is probably the happiest I've been while being single since my last long-term relationship ended two years ago. That being said, it was like salt in my wound when I ended up in the hospital and they asked for my emergency contact. I said, "I don't have one" to which the nurse replied, "Okay, I'll just say you don't want one." She must have seen the look on my face because she quickly recovered with, "I mean that you don't have one."

One of my friends gave me this quote a while back that really resonated with me. "Instead of looking for the one, be the one." Deep, right? Here is another one I came across: "Instead of searching for love, search for life and the love you seek will find you." That's kind of what I've been trying to do. I had mentioned in my previous post that I've been working on growing my circle of friends, pushing the edges of my comfort zone, and working on my career. I also start an online MS program in August. I never thought I would go back to school, but now seems like a good time to make it happen. 

Having a vibrant social life is very important to me. I've always felt that what I'm doing is less important than who I'm doing it with. While swiping isn't doing it for me, I haven't given up on the idea that someone out there is looking for me. I'm not going to sit right down here and wait, but I'm also not going to obsess over finding him. I'll continue to live my life and hopefully our paths will cross. Tomorrow, I'll be participating in a pub crawl with over 150 other singles in the area who will be wearing color coded wrist bands to communicate what they are looking for. I love the transparency of it and meeting people IRL. The cherry on the top is I'll be "crawling" with three of my single friends. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Be authentic in your journey.

 

I'm Sorry I've Been Absent

I know, I know. When I started this blog, I hadn't intended to abandon it for months at a time. Honestly, my schedule has been really full and making it hard to give the attention to this blog I should. I see I actually have a handful of readers, so thanks! I'm actually doing this blog more for you than for me... okay, maybe 50/50. It does help me process and I'm hoping it will help you feel more connected during a time when people are... well, less connected.

So, I said I've been busy, but I haven't been busy dating. Busy is probably an understatement. How have I been filling my time? 

I have been attending a lot of Meetups since February. One of my goals has been to increase my girlfriend circle. The easiest way to do that is to attend events that sound interesting to me, and I already have something in common with everyone else who shows up. As of now, I've attended 36 Meetups this year and I have seven more in July coming up in the next couple of weeks. My girlfriend circle has definitely expanded. I've made two great friends and I'm also being intentional about spending more time with the women I already know. Meetup has been great. I've done hikes, pub crawls, bowling, various game groups, dance nights, brunch, dinner, snow tubing and even camping. If you're looking to expand your circle or you just want to meet people IRL to do fun stuff, check it out. Meetup - We are what we do. It doesn't cost money and it isn't a dating site. I've even gotten my 71-year-old mother attending events.

In addition to attending a lot of events, I decided to start my own group. If you live in the Portland/Vancouver area, check it out. My group is called Brunch Books and Brews. I like to operate from the position of being comfortably uncomfortable. I'm definitely and extrovert, but I can be shy. Yep, we do exist. There have been times I've been in social settings where I felt unnoticed or unwelcomed. For some people, it's hard to get them to attend social gatherings where they may not know anyone. I love being an organizer because I want to interact with those people who feel nervous about attending events. I've always done that when attending events in other groups, but now it's my RESPONSIBILITY to make sure it happens. 

The other things taking up my time have been far less social. I badly sprained my ankle almost two weeks before school ended. I spent most of June/July in a walking boot and that has made everything slower and more challenging. A couple weeks after my injury, I developed a blood clot in my leg. Apparently, it isn't too uncommon for something like this to happen after an injury. Lucky me :) Even though the school year ended rather roughly for me, I couldn't seem to shut off my teacher brain. For two solid weeks after summer started, I've taken 28 hours of professional development since school ended less than three weeks ago. Not being very mobile sounds like a good excuse to take PD over Zoom, but honestly, I would have done it anyway.

As if my schedule hasn't been full enough with work and social events, I am starting an online MS program on August 1. 

Okay, that's pretty much it. That's why I've disappeared.

Be authentic in your journey.

What is it about date four?

I've been doing online dating off and on for years. In that time, I've noticed a pattern emerge. Date four seems to carry some sort of significance I wasn't aware of. I've had lots of first dates and some second dates, but I start to get nervous after a successful third date. After date three, there is a sort of turning point. If my potential partner and I can make it to date four, it lasts for a minimum of a couple months. I wondered if other people noticed this pattern, so I Googled "What is the significance of four dates?" Apparently it is really a thing. By date four, you already know you like each other and you're trying to decide if you can see a future together, not necessarily marriage, but if you could "see yourself" with this person. Whether everyone else has read the "rule book" except me, it seems there is something to four dates.

Be authentic in your journey.

Attachment Styles

People have been talking about love languages for years, but a lesser known topic that is equally important is attachment styles. 

There are four main attachment styles: 1) Secure 2) Anxious 3) Avoidant 4) Disorganized (anxious-avoidant). Click on the picture below for a summary of each attachment style.

I hadn't heard of attachment styles until after my now ex-husband and I split up after 15 years and I entered the dating world for the first time. It was a real eye-opener. Since being single, I have read the book Attached three times. It's a great book and it has really helped me identify where I am and where I want to be in relation to my attachment style. I've learned to identify and avoid those with avoidant attachment particularly disorganized (anxious-avoidant). It's also helped me to be open about healthy boundaries and expectations of potential partners. 

I also found this graphic that helps to explain the four attachment styles relative to avoidance and anxiety. 

Know that wherever you are on this matrix, isn't where you have to stay. By paying attention to patterns, reflecting on your triggers, and setting healthy boundaries, you can learn to be a more secure you.

Be authentic in your journey.

Being Authentic Has A Cost

Last night I had a beautiful evening with friends- relaxation, contentment, and happiness. After meeting up with friends and leaving a bar in a depressed part of Portland, I walked down a street lined with tents and garbage strewn everywhere. On the stoop, in front of a shop, I saw two pieces of bologna on a piece of plastic wrap. I'm not quite sure what it was about that which began the spiral down of this lovely evening I had just had, but I lost it. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I had made dinner for a friend earlier that evening, and while it didn't turn out the way I had expected, it was edible and crafted with quality ingredients. When I served it, all I could think about was how embarrassed I was that it looked so bad. Seeing that bologna really helped to put things into perspective. I have a warm home and food to eat. I have friends and people in my life who I love. I am blessed. 

Upon returning to my friend's apartment after this downturn of events, he helped me through a guided meditation of sorts to try to get to the root of my feelings. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? During this meditation I had very few thoughts and feelings. I cried, but I didn't know why. I cried more than I've cried in ages. This morning, I reflected on the evening. I revealed things I wondered if I should have kept to myself. In the end, it changed our relationship. 

Being completely open and vulnerable has always been easy for me, but it does have a cost. Some people are not able to accept you when they get to see the darkness inside of you. They may judge you or feel that they've finally seen you for who you really are, and they don't like what they see anymore. They may reject you because of their focus on your darkness rather than the light you bring to the world. That's okay. People come into our lives for a day, a season, or years for two reasons. They are either here to teach you or to learn from you. Sometimes it's both. Being authentic has always been important to me. I like being vulnerable with people. I'm not going to wear a metaphorical mask to hide who I am. Love me or leave me has always been my motto. Sometimes people choose to leave because they can't handle the price of admission. I need to be okay with that. I will continue to be me because I don't want to pretend to be anyone else so that I can fit in. Once I start doing that, people won't love ME. They will only love who I pretend to be. Being with people who don't REALLY love you is much emptier than being alone.

Be authentic in your journey.

 

The Price of Admission

Have you ever sat down and actually made a list of your wants and needs in a partner? If you haven't, I suggest you do. Take those metaphorical boxes and put them on paper. Read the list often and use it as a lens to examine your relationships. Making an actual list allows you the time and space needed to reflect honestly about the positive attributes you've experienced in other relationships and would like to experience again, or on the flip side, it could also include qualities you desire but haven't found a partner who was able to meet that need. Know the difference between needs and desires. Typically, needs are the "must haves" and desires are the "would be nice to haves."

I created my list about a year ago. A lot of time and emotional energy went into creating my list. I reflected on every relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly, to pull out the qualities my partners had that made me feel loved. Even toxic relationships have positive moments to reflect on. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light when there was so much darkness, but if your intention is to find the good, you'll find something. I have that list on my computer and I read it from time to time. My reason for keeping it on my computer is it's a work in progress. It's a draft and can be revised at any time. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself of this. 

Years ago, a friend shared this YouTube video with me. The Price of Admission I haven't watched it in a while, but it floated into my thoughts today, so I watched it again. He talks about his own relationship and how his partner was nothing he thought he wanted, but he fell in love with him anyway. The price of admission is essentially asking you, "What are you willing to put up with so that you can have this person you love?" Two of my great loves would not have stood up to my list of needs and desires. I'm glad that back when I met them, I didn't have that list. I would have missed out on some really beautiful and vulnerable moments with these men if I had immediately discounted them because I thought they wouldn't meet all my needs. Now, looking at my list, I see areas they met and other areas they didn't. Those unmet areas were the price of admission.

I've recently been trying to focus on my list and wondering if my list is keeping me from finding the love I want. What am I willing to accept as the price of admission in my relationships? Typically, when I meet someone new, I am on high alert looking for flags. I run this new person through my system of relationship filters and can quickly decide whether I'm interested in a second date. I know no one is perfect and I am not looking for that. The pressure to be with someone who I perceive as perfect would be too great for me anyway. In the end, I've decided to use the list as a guide. I need to be open to love even if someone doesn't tick all of my metaphorical boxes. If love comes and smacks me in the face, I will gladly pay the price of admission.

Be authentic in your journey.

The Problem with Hope

Dating apps have become the bane of my existence. That being said, if they truly are as miserable as I say, why do I invest time for what feels like endless swiping and back-and-forth messaging that eventually dies into nothingness before even meeting? Hope. 

About a year ago, I met a man I could see myself with... REALLY see myself with. I could see how easily he could slip into my life and into my heart. My heart was filled with hope for the possibility that my search was over. After a couple months it just ended. I was caught completely off guard. It wasn't until recently that I learned why, but that was more about his demons than mine, so it's not my story to tell.

Fast forward to today. I've met a little over a dozen people in the last year and a half. That may not sound like many, but dating during a pandemic is tricky. I prefer to have a video chat shortly after connecting online. That's actually been one of my favorite things about the pandemic... Can I say that? I mean, let's be real. This blog is in fact all about living an authentic life. If you've done online dating for any period of time, you know what it's like to be catfished. There was the guy who used a wheelchair but he never mentioned it in his profile and there has been the typical lying about age or pictures from 50 lbs. ago. 

In the beginning, I went into dates feeling hopeful. Maybe I would meet someone interesting or we'd have a good time. Maybe there would be a spark. Hope. They say expectation is the killer of all joy, but I don't know. It could be hope. It's not like I went into these dates expecting to find love, but I did hope to find it. After hoping for so long, I've kind of accepted the fact that I may still be single in my 70s. 

Are there kind, loving, and intelligent men out there? I'm sure there are. Somewhere out there a man is asking the same question, a gay man. Seriously though. Somewhere out there a man is wondering if there is a woman who also shares those qualities. Here I am. Come find me because I'm about to give up on finding you. Online dating is like going to the gym. Nobody WANTS to do it, but you have to put in the work. Reading all of the self-help books to better myself for my next partner does nothing unless I find him and that takes effort. 

The problem with hope is, I think for most people, you have a finite amount. When your hope has been tapped into so many times, eventually your stores have been depleted. One of the fastest ways to lose hope is hookups. Just say no. Don't do it. I don't care what Nike says. Just tonight, I received a text from someone I had two dates with months ago asking if I wanted to get together to make out. Seriously? He must have been digging at the bottom of the barrel to think I would say yes after only two dates and months passing without so much as a friendly text. Is that how women are seen? Are we merely entertainment centers for the gratification of men? A couple nights ago, I got a text from someone I recently met asking for a sexual favor. My response was, "What do I get out of it?" His reply was "A massage?" Wow. That's another hope killer right there. I can buy my own massages, but thanks for the offer. What I seek can not be bought. 

While my hope in finding a life partner diminishes with every douchey message that is the reality of online dating, there is something about hope that is addictive. It's like a drug. As hard as I try to give it up, it's still there. I want to love and be loved. I want to be seen as something more than a "good time." After reading a profile that really speaks to me, sometimes I still hold my breath as I swipe right. Why? Hope. I'm hoping for "It's a match!" Someone told me recently that you should stop looking for the right person and BE the right person. You know what? I've been the right person all along. I'm just losing hope in the fact that there is a right person out there for me.

Be authentic in your journey.